I'm drinking fresh made decaf coffee (two sugars, two creams) thinking that I should write all this down because I like being here...alone...its a miracle. Ryan took Lilly to go to the FedEx store, so actually when I said alone I really really am by myself. My mom was supposed to watch her today, so I dont know whats going on there. Ryan's package wasn't at the fed ex store, it was still on the truck, which meant taking Lilly to his mom's house. Probably to stay out of my hair, I should be thankful, but I miss them both.

Something about going next door and showing them our room key for breakfast. I didn't catch whether is was free or discounted, or what the catch was. Don't know what I am going to do tomorrow when he is off at neoteric and she is at my mother's. This room is sweet. I should take a bath, since at home I have no tub :( If and when we get one (moving this year...) I could fit it into Lilly's routine, probably before bed time, and she and I could take baths together. She has pretty much outgrown the tub we got her that sits on the counter. Plus, she likes to play and splash around and she could do that with more practicality if she has a tub.

I want to find some place where we could take her, maybe even drop her off on a Friday for two or three hours, so that she could play with other babies. She is not very shy to people and warms up to strangers rather quickly. I think she would love some play time with other babies.

we have yet to decide what we are going to do with bratzilla when i go into labor with this kid. obvious options being family and friends are just not good enough. My mother and his mother do not have means of transportation to come and fetch her when the day arrives. Something I could hope for, but should not count on is me going into early labor, laboring at home while he takes her the four hour trek to terre haute, and then coming back for me to go to the hospital. It would have worked last time, as I went into labor the night before, went to sleep, and woke up the next day to contractions and sat in the hospital another, oh, 12 hours, I wouldn't mind laboring more at home, but i don't want any accident to happen. I tried looking for a doula, but that's not really what I want as far as help during labor. I also tried looking for a babysitter to be on call basically during February who would keep her for three days while I am in the hospital. Even if the person could just watch her the first 24 hours, then Ryan could run her to Terre Haute. Maybe she could just stay with us in the hospital for the first 24 hours or so and then he and she could run around. I would love to be able to just find someone who could watch her, who could provide their own means of transportation so that we could call them.

Ryan is watching Armageddon week on the history channel. We are bickering back and forth about the predicted end of the world in 2012 by people like Nostradamus and the Mayans. He likes to buy into it, but I think he is just playing devil's advocate.

He is going to Terre Haute tomorrow to pay his mother's rent. She wants to act like she is mad because he refused to help her with her phone bill. eh whatever. Then on Thursday, he is taking her to her eye surgery. She wanted to keep lilly ann but it just isnt happening. I dont want her gone that long, and its way too much traveling. She would have to go to terre haute tomorrow, stay three nights (i only agreed to two nights) then ryan would have to go get her on wednesday, them drive back to terre haute on thursday then all the way to indianapolis then back to terre haute then back home to bloomington. If he skipped out on picking her up till thursday, then lilly would have to do all that traveling (because i sure as hell aint going to be going along for all that OR sitting at his moms apartment all day long.

Plus, I get dibs on being with MY baby. I am about to have another and I want to spend as much time with her as possible, even if she does get on my nerves sometimes. I know that I will be so busy with another baby that she won't get the special attention that she needs and I know that I will miss just having one baby and spending my days with her. It will get easier once he crawls around and become a little more independent, but that takes up to 7 or 8 months to accomplish. And once I have the new baby, I'm sure she will be shipped off to her grandma's anyway, because I will be too tired to try and run after her, but as soon as I feel back to normal, I will be able to do a lot more chasing that I can now. And Ryan can stay home and help me dang it!

I should make some comment about this being the new year, and this is my first post of the new year. As the time flies by though, I just get more and more stressed out and freaked out about everything that has to be done and my inability to accomplish things like 'normal' people because of my 'condition.' I can only stand and walk around for about ten minutes or so before my back just aches and I have to sit down and take a break. Just think about how many times a day a normal person bends down to pick up things or how many times a person bends to do cleaning like being over the washer to do clothes or bending over the sink to do dishes or bending over to pick up baby toys at the end of the day...its makes me feel pathetic to not be able to do simple things and to have to ask for help to clean up my messes. We have waited so long to buy the new baby things and its going to be hell trying to do shopping. I usually can't make it through a trip at walmart without needing to find a bench to sit down and take a break or finding a bathroom to take a potty break. Let alone, going from store to store, trying to find the best deal and the best match to get things that we need. Definitely a car seat. We are going to get a convertible one for Lilly and then Gabriel gets the hand me down. He needs maybe four or five blankets and some more clothes and I want to get three or four packs of spare diapers. Ryan wants to get a diaper trash can for our bedroom, might as well I suppose.

I had all this baby stuff I wanted to get and he wants to pay bills with the bonus check...kind of ticks me off. It doesn't make sense to me to pay normal bills with extra money that you have, since it should come out of the money that you normally have each month to pay bills. Anything that you have left over from extra money should be saved, which he thinks we can't do, because we need it for this or that. I think we should just cut back on the extra stuff that we do. Nothing is more important than having money stored back for emergencies. Apparently, we can't even afford five or ten dollars a paycheck. I call shenanigans. Everytime I think about it, knowing there isnt anything I can really do, except stress the fact that we really should be doing this, and that if he didnt wait until he was practically out of money to tell me "maybe we should get that next paycheck" I think to myself, this is why I want my own well-paying meaningful job so that I can save my own money at least. I do sneak money from him when he gives me extra I dont give him the change back, and then I go hide it in Lilly's room for her to have. It's not that much and he knows its there. I want my own job so I don't have to ask for money all the time and then I could buy Lilly and him things with my own money. I have so many obstacles in the way of accomplishing this obviously. I am pregnant now and obviously no one would hire a pregnant girl knowing I would be out in a month, plus I don't have the qualifications for the kind of job I want right now. I have to payback Indiana State over 5,000 dollars before I can do anything to go back to school. They will obviously hold my transcripts until they get their money... So its not like I could just get up tomorrow with my non existent car and go get a job and start bringing home the bacon, and have a paycheck in a couple weeks. Shit, by the time I DID get my first paycheck, I'd be going into labor... And, it won't be feasible for me to get a job until at least 6 weeks after the baby is born, plus HE AND I want me to breastfeed, which requires being with the baby constantly as they 'feed on demand' around the clock every two or three hours.

Sure, I COULD pump, but it's not practical, and I know that if I got away just a little bit, I would be too tempted to just give him formula and quit breastfeeding, because its such a hassle and it really really does tie you down to the baby. I am willing to do this for at least the first six months. The more and more I think about it, the more I wish I would have kept going with Lilly, but she was only using me twice or three times a day and the rest she was needing formula to feel full. I left her at four months for a week to go to New York and that's when the formula supplementation started and my supply really dropped. His mom kept telling me I was dumb for breastfeeding. When she came to the hospital after he was born, (thank god she wasnt there for it) she saw how much pain it was to breastfeed because she would only latch on to the one side really well and would cry from frustration if I tried getting her on the other side, so I said fuck it and just let her use the one side so we could both be happy and it hurt because my boob wasn't getting a break. She said "you know, they could just bring you a bottle of formula"...whatever... and then all the time she would nag me about breastfeeding. And when we took her ungrateful ass out to dinner, she had to comment about "thats why I would never breastfeed" when I had to whip out my boob in public to feed Lilly. (I used a cover, so it's not like people see anything). And each time that I had to feed at her house I always felt so uncomfortable because Ryan's sister would have to make some comment (she IS just a kid though) and people are always running in and out of her house. UGH. Well, I left Lilly for another week to go with Ryan to the SABE conference, and that's when I pretty much had to quit breastfeeding because I had no milk left to give, that and I was pregnant with the Gabriel, so I think that contributed a little to my supply dropping off. Lots of women DO tandem breastfeed, though, so I know it could have been done if I was determined to do it. I was a lot happier once I wasn't breastfeeding anymore, because I could just drop her off and have a break when I needed it. But I look back and regret it now. I definitely want to feed this baby longer at least until six months, and then they are not so dependent on mother's milk anymore. I can start to add solids and won't need to feed as much once the kid hits about 8 months. That means a commitment to October if I kept it up until 8 months. School starts in August :( I think I should plan to start in January 2010. By then, a routine will be established, I will only be breastfeeding maybe twice a day by then, so I wouldn't need to pump milk out as I could schedule the feedings for when I am not going to be in class. I only want to go part-time, because things will be crazy crazy with two babies and I want to be there for them as much as possible. Ryan can watch them when I am not in class and I can take over the rest of the time. I don't want them going off into day-care for full time care.

I am filling out an application right now to get a private loan to pay off ISU and therefore be able to apply at Indiana University.

Some other time I want to write down all my issues with Lilly and me going into labor for the second time. (next entry)

I am trying to clean the upstairs today...get it all cleaned and organized and put away a lot of things that lilly shouldn't be in and bag up some of the toys that are upstairs that she isnt really interested in. Hopefully, this will include putting away and washing all the dishes and baby bottles...I also have my new keyboard to bring upstairs. It's so hard to get any cleaning down, or to remain on one train of thought for very long because I have to stop constantly from either being too tired and weak or because baby makes me. Like right now, I could be doing something, but I wanted to write, and I am getting hungry again. I will probably post this and go cook up some raviolis.

So, for my own personal reference, in the mail:
fountain pen refills
gift card from Bryan
sample snack pack from Yum Yum snacks
daddy's computer bag.

i should probably go ahead and pick out Ryan's chair so that i know how much money we will need for it. We still got (IMO) a bunch of baby stuff to buy. It's time to stock up on diapers, blankets, stuff for breastfeeding and a car seat. That's the stuff we HAVE to have before he gets here, everything else we can kind of just accumulate after he gets here, though obviously it would be nice to have as much as possible. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, or have anybody over.

concerned about why lilly is getting diarrhea and lots of diaper rash. I cant seem to figure it out. I guess im just a bad parent.

Ryan got
very soft bathrobe
razor for shower
one pair of boxer-briefs (actually those are for me as well)
bunch of candy (truffles, runts, gummi snakes, gummi worms)
mobile edge computer bag [still in the mail :(]
he also gets la-z-boy chair that we are ordering after the new year
antique dragon dagger display thing

Lilly got:
train made of blocks
bag of mega blocks, like legos but big
ride-on car that we can push her on
plastic stationary horse that she can bounce on
doll that teaches her colors
big box of activities like (more) blocks, stacking cups, and bath toys
rocking horse that makes sounds and shakes its head and tail
12 months outfit
v-tech laptop (for 3yo)
winter books
two sippy cups
two other sippy cups
leap frog games w/ controller
pair of sparkely pants
baby einstein video about using sign language
two blankets (one princess for her, and another from the movie Cars for Gavin/Gabriel
gift card from Uncle (her great-uncle) Bryan which we will use to get a toy box (still in the mail)

I still thinking I am forgetting more stuff> We didnt drag in all the stuff from the car last night because it was like hurricane weather out there and the baby had to be put to bed, so once I bring it all in i can assess what I forgot.

I feel part of a tooth in Lilly's mouth and she has been standing on her own lately, very soon she'll be walking. I've been trying to remember to practice with her. She has been eating 'real' food three times a day: cereal, fruit n cheese, and vegetable for dinner. She gets so mad when we are eating and she cant have some (mommy eats too much pizza and pasta and chocolate), so for breakfast usually I eat Cheerios so that we can share. And almost always, she gets some kind of snack, more fruits or graham crackers. She's still never had baby food, in the traditional sense. I buy mostly fresh fruits and veggies (and now eggs too) for her and a few things that are canned for back-ups. I usually get organic applesauce and this last time we got some fruit cups. I'm so tired all the time its hard to want to make dinner for myself....All the dishes seem to get dirty so fast...

next

im pissed off for other reasons, and it is my problem, because this is my family, this is what ive always wanted, and these people make me feel happy, loved, and wanted....most of the time...we all have our ups and downs, but these fucking hormones that i have existed on since oh, say, june 2007 are driving me literally insane crazy. no one should have to deal with this, and especially not alone, but its very hard to not feel very alone, when no one else around you seems to get the point. im a very sad person. ive been at said 'sad point' for a very, very long time. its been at this extremely low point since about may 2005....symptoms include but are not limited to: uncontrollable crying, fits of rage and anger, insomnia, fatigue, fear of the unknown, difficulty making decisions, irritability, and lets throw in helplessness just for shits and giggles.

i love my babies, but i wish i had things that i could call my own, but i cant just go out and get a job, and even if i could just go out and get a job, i dont want some shitty waitress job, i want something fufilling and meaningful, something that impacts other people in a positive way that they will always remember. yeah, so, i set my standards high, but fuck dude, ive had time to do boring things, and im just ready for something better. I want my own money to spend on things. I hate asking for stuff all the time, or feeling like i want and need things, but i cant really do anything about because i just dont have the means. I can kind of catch a glimpse of how poor housewives felt before feminism when they were stuck doing the same menial tasks day after day with no appreciation because they didnt have a college education and their own way to do their own thing. They felt like they could just take the kids and leave their abusive spouses because they had no where to go and no money to do anything. i dont want to go anywhere, i just want to feel like i can accomplish things on my own without having to ask for help.

im just at this very vulnerable point in my life, where i cant do it on my own though, i have to have help, i need someone looking out for my and guiding me in the right direction and holding me accountable for the things i do, someone who will make sure i dont give up on myself. i was so sad when i left josh and being with ryan guthrie made everything worse, because he expected me to do everything on my own. i just want someone to baby me for a while, make me feel like im being taken care of and that i dont have to worry about anything anymore, so i can just relax and be happy and quit feeling like i owe everyone for everything they do for me. I want a few freebies just to keep myself moving and to feel like i dont have to do everything alone, that i could leave things in the hands of a capable other and not have to worry.

im so sick of fighting about dumb shit that leaves me in tears off in some other room all alone with no one to comfort me, making me feel like its all my fault because its not all my fault. i cant keep giving in and never really getting what i really what, which is resolution to the real problem at hand, not some mediocre bullshit that wont matter tomorrow, let alone ten minutes from now. Am I the only one who sees that we never really get to the heart of the matter? Is it too much to ask for help at this time for basic times, when its hurts so bad to do things the normal way. Wont someone take pity on me? Wont anyone stop to see the tears on my cheek are real, and the pain i go through it very much heartfelt, and that i ache inside from being so sad for so long and that i just want to get better and have for so long, but i dont want to do it on my own. i have no reason to do it just for me, but a thousand and one reasons to do it for my family.

i am really pissed off about how hot my computer is running. We switched out the power supplies from his server so that I am now running a 750w modular, which means less cords and less mess, and cut the water cooling tubes to half their length so that the pump is pushing the coolant as far and therefore it gets to the radiator a lot quicker. So instead of it being that much cooler, its that MUCH hotter. For example, I havent done jack shit on this computer today, except open a browser for the few minutes ive been home today. so basically the thing has sat idle all day and C1 is running at 42C, 42 fucking C jesus christ. i might as well sit and blow on the damn thing constantly and receive the same results for free. So Ryan said we could get a new cooling system and stick this one on his server. And with my 1kw psu in his computer, things have been running a muck. I have been reading more and more review of thermal take gear and all the "insiders" seem to be politely screaming that only an idiot would buy their stuff. I just want to do a custom job on the next one and a custom case ( a LOT more work than custom liquid cooling). Just dissapointed in myself because i thought i could do a better job than this and my CPU aint gonna last long running on average of 40C constantly. I bought this thing to do high end graphics and shit and this is what i get!! I want to play oblivion without worrying about frying my system.

ALso we got this great device called "the magic jack" (http://www.magicjack.com) It's basically a home phone attached to your computer that you pay once a year for (like thirty bucks I think) to make calls anywhere you want, including free long distance. They currently do not have our area code, so we are using Indianapolis' area code, but that doesnt really bother us, since we will just be calling each other and ryan's mom ahaha.